With finals starting tomorrow, I can already feel my desire to procrastinate rising to an unmanageable level. The things I’ve wanted to do since getting done with classes yesterday include: starting Infinite Jest, reading all the Harry Potter books in French, cleaning my entire apartment, working on various writing projects, and editing my 2014 NaNoWriMo manuscript. All of this in an attempt to avoid practicing for my Logic final that is happening in less than 24 hours.
This leaves me wondering, how can I find the motivation to do all these important projects when I’m not fueled by procrastination? Why can I only seem to do the things that are important to me in an attempt to avoid the things I don’t want to do? Does that say something about me, or perhaps my goals? It’s getting easier, doing the things I want to do, actually producing things instead of just constantly consuming. Still, I’m going into summer nervous about what’s in front of me. I know that after May 9th, I’ll be faced with a tough journey. Ahead, there is going to be loneliness, newfound single hood, working through heartbreak, an increase in free time that I have to put to use and having to find a way to reintegrate into my family after being gone for two years. Still, I find some comfort in the idea of it. Of having that summer freedom, of being paid for my work again, working towards independence, finding myself back again in the support of my family, meeting new friends and creating a life for myself that will be as unrecognizable from sophomore year as it was from freshman year. I find myself constantly surprised by the opportunities I find myself presented with, and after this semester in creative writing I feel as if I’ve finally been put on the right path again. The same with my political involvement in school. It’s helped me realize those childhood dreams exist for a reason, and I want to fulfill them all to some extent. Teaching, writing, being involved in philanthropy and politics, becoming financially secure, working towards something differ, something better… It all seems more in reach every day. And I find more peace in my soul with every passing week. I don’t know what I’m working towards, but it must be something like enlightenment.
I feel constantly awash in amazing information, obsessed with the potential to grow in the best ways. Looking at myself now, as compared to where I was in high school, turns me into a (perhaps unreasonably) optimistic person. I knew there was something good ahead of me in my darkest moments. It’s how I survived them in the first place. Still, I never could have imagined actually feeling this way, so fulfilled, confidant, peaceful, happy and independent. To think where I will be in two more years if I can keep it up seems unreal. I almost have a hard time believing there could be much more happiness past this. I know hard times will come, and things won’t be perfect, but still my heart is so full.